thos is a bad photo but htis is me, the owner of the best website
here is a pcuteure of a cat becayse i figured out how to put in picrures
heres me talking abput my days, thoughts, and so on!
change (inherent good vs inherent bad) 2/2/26
i see myself as a bad person. not because i want to be, but because i know that i am, and believing that is comfortable. i set expectations low for myself so that when others see me as bad it doesn't mean much. believing im a bad person costs less effort, it costs less hope, it costs less disapointment. and yet, i feel the weight of that belief everyday, knowing that comfort can be its own sort of cage, and that staying behind it's bars doesn't mean im at peace, it means ive stopped fighting it. i have some of the qualities of a "good" person, but most feel or are fabricated. i find it difficult to care about people in the way people are meant to care about each other. there's always this bridge of distance between me and everyone else thats nearly impossible to cross. most of my connections feel muted, unreal, temporary. but there are certain people that i have chosen to cling to, the exceptions that prove that im capable of feeling deeply. but even these people who ive carefully selected and let into my heart, i neglect. i assume their patience will outlast my treatment. and when i face the consequences of my actions, i act surprised, but a part of me knew it was inevitable. a part of me knows that pushing them away keeps me from being fully accountable, keeps me from having to be fully seen; but knowing doesn't stop me. im self aware enough to know what im doing is wrong, that these people care about me or have cared about me at some point, yet i still find ways to distance myself, never letting someone truly know me. closeness changes the way people perceive me, the longer they stay, the more flaws they encounter. eventually they see me unable to keep up the act. acting like im a decent human being who takes anybody other than themselves into account. as familiarity grows, admiration thins into tolerance, and most times im able to feel that shift before it's explicitly named. it makes relationships seem as if they're a countdown, as if being truly seen for who i am means watching affection slip through my fingers.
time and time again i find myself reliving situations. i am the common denominator of my relations with others ending. i watch as i continously go down the same path, unable to recognize patterns before they've already repeated themselves. each time swearing i'll change but never following through. and i believe that makes me a bad person. the awareness itself. recognizing the cycle, naming it, yet still finding myself walk straight back into it. the worst part about these situations are the people i hurt. i've considered distancing myself from others to protect them from their eventual dissapointment in me, but this solution is faulty. these are people who have invested too much time and effort into me, pushing them away now is futile and would hurt them as well. they're bound to be hurt, it's just a matter of time before i dissapoint them. i know that the only way to change is to work at it everyday, but i am unable to get out of the nihilistic mindset that it's all futile. i know its not menial, changing would be for the people i love, not for me. but so far i am unable to do so.